How I Got My Scar - The Final Chapter - With a Vengeance - This Time It's Personal.

So after being towel-rack-whipped unconscious, I now wake up sitting in the cockpit of a vibrating rocket. My eyes slowly regain their focus, and I reach back to where I was struck in the back of the head - no cut, no bump - she must have had a towel wrapped around the rack.

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I realize I'm not alone in the cockpit as I hear the artificial aspirating of another space suit helmet nearby, and I'm shocked to look over and find that my co-pilot on this little voyage is a chimpanzee! She looks over at me with this look on her face that says, "Think again, big boy - I'm not the co-pilot, you are!"

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I realize, of course, she's right - I only have one knob, one button, and one little meter readout to monitor - and my instructions are written on a cocktail napkin taped to the otherwise blank panel in front of me. It seems thatI have not been entrusted with much on this mission. I look out the window, and see that we have already taken off and left the Earth's atmosphere - and we are not in orbit. I adjust my side rear view mirror, and see Earth getting smaller and smaller in the distance behind us.

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Before I even have time to read my instructions, however, the ship starts to shimmy and shake - doing the shimmy-shake - and it feels like we are sliding down and to the left from the trajectory we were on. I look over at the pilot, Jane (named after Ms. Goodall, I assume), and her eyes are getting huge as she frantically grabs levers, wheels, and switches trying to pull us back on course. I figure I better do something - but what can I do? I only have one knob and one button! So, of course! I spin that knob hard left and begin pushing the button repeatedly - that should do the trick!

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So now the ship banks hard and heads straight for what I can only assume is a black hole! Jane smacks me in the back of the head with this look on her face that just says (Napoleon Dynamite-esque) "Idiot!" As if it wasn't bad enough to be hurtling through space toward a black hole, now I'm humiliated by a monkey. I look at the cocktail napkin and all it says is, "Herr Carroll, whatever you do, don't touch this knob or button."

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I grab the napkin and wad it up and throw it Jane who is now jumping around the cockpit and grabbing the tubes of banana paste and throwing them at me. I look back out the window just in time to see us plummet into complete and total blackness.

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I feel like I'm falling, falling, then I land on my bed in my house. I go to the kitchen for a snack, cause I'm always a little bit hungry, and as I pass the hallway mirror, I notice that I have a scar on the back of my head.

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There you have it - that's how I got my scar. Black Hole.

How I Got My Scar - Teil Vier

All is dark. The air is moist, and I can hear water dripping. But no light. I reach up to my left eyebrow where there is searing pain, but I'm not bleeding - I feel bandages. I remember seeing that creepy little carny-let, but nothing after that. Who has taken care of me?
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I am thinking how thankful I am to still be alive and thankful that my wound has been treated, when a door opens and bright light comes flooding in. But even before I can focus on the figure coming toward me, I realize I'm completely naked! Ok, so my wound is in my head, was it really necessary to strip me completely down?....I don't think so.
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A large, surly woman approaches and hurls a white jumpsuit thing at me and starts barking to me in German. Since I had two years of German in high school, of course, I can't understand a single word she is saying.
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I quickly put on my jumpsuit and follow her out of there down a long rock-walled corridor. I can hear some men talking in a room up ahead, but can't make out what they are saying....plus, hello? German?
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As I enter the room, all talking stops as 4 members of the Nazi SS secret police glare at me. There are plans and papers all over a table, and behind the men, there is a plate glass window looking out to what appears to be a rocket ship on a launch pad. I'm starting to realize that I'm in a mountain or underground or something, but this ship is definitely getting ready to depart - steam everywhere and workers scurrying back and forth all over the place.
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Finally, one of the secret police guys begins speaking to me in broken English through a real thick German accent. He curtly explains that I have been purchased from the carnies so that I can man their nuclear rocket because they don't want to expose any of their German comrades to the risk involved. Dang carnies...always trying to turn a buck. Apparently, the Germans are mad becuase the carnies told them that I had skills, and now it is quite obvious I don't - and they are deciding whether to just go ahead with the mission anyway.
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I leave them and go across to the hall - accompanied by Helga, of course - to the restroom where I can throw some water on my face while they continue to deliberate. I look in the mirror and see that i'm a little pecked up from those crows in the alleyway (no, of course, THOSE aren't going to leave lasting scars...), then I pull back the bandage over my left eyebrow where I caught the nail from the nailgun. Looks pretty bad - that's going to leave a scar. No, not THAT scar. It did in fact leave a scar that very few people have seen or noticed above my eyebrow.
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I hear from across the hall, "Beginnen Sie!", and remember what that means...I turn to protest my participation, and Helga hits me in the back of the head with a towel rack - I feel her catch me as I fall unconscious once again.

How I Got My Scar - Part III

Sorry it has taken me so long to pick the story back up - I've had technical diffic....zzzwwup...nha..nha...whoop...zzz.

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As you remember, I have had an encounter with the SAT mafia, got $50,000 - then lost my booty during the pirate attack. I have had some head trauma - but no scar yet. We pick back up as I'm on the banks of the pond after narrowly escaping the pirates thanks to my knock-knock joke. The swashbuckling is over.

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Well, after resting for a few minutes and catching my breath, I stand up and start to head back home since I now have no treasure to hide. As I look back across the park, I see Guido drive by - he is still making left turns and can't figure out how to leave the neighborhood. I give the car a good fist-shaking, because I'm still pretty ticked about that whole basketball-kicking incident...jerks.

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Well, no sooner had I shaken my fist at them that I see brake lights and they start backing up. So I figure I'm in a tight spot and better R-U-N-N-O-F-T! I start running away from the car across the street and into the alley to take the short cut back home.

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Well, I'm sure you can guess where this tale is heading by now, so I'm a bit embarrassed to insult your intelligence by continuing. First the mob, then pirates, now I'm entering the alley - it's so obvious...but I guess I'll continue.

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I should have known better than to try to get through this alley. I've known for years about the tenuous state of affairs of this particular alley. As I grow closer, I smell the unmistakable odor of cabbage, and see tiny dirty handprints on the fences as I pass. There are fires lit in the shadows of both sides of the alley, and the air is thick with tension. You've guessed it - I stumbled right into the bloodfeud between the gypsies and the carnies of the Byron Street alleyway.

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I slowed to a walk, knowing that Guido wouldn't follow me in here. On the right, I see "Carny Justice" graffitti-ed on the fence, and on the left a small booth set up offering to tell my fortune. But, despite cook fires burning, I see no one anywhere.

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I'm starting to get a little worried, and about the time I'm wishing a policeman would drive by, I remember that I'm sure the carnies have juiced the cops to keep them away. I'm on my own. I keep walking and I can see my back fence about 50 yards ahead on the right.

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Then it happens. A chicken narrowly misses my head. I panic. If the chickens are already flying - we all know what that means. I'm frantic, running trying to get to my gate with my head down. Gypsies are emerging from all over on my left carrying torches and shouting curses. Black cats and crows are all over the place. I'm knocked down by seemingly nothing - must have been a curse - and a crow comes straight at me and starts pecking at my head. I felt like Tippi Hedren!

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I try to get back up and start running again, but on my right, here come the carnies blocking my way to my gate. I do a Barry Sanders juke and get by all the adults and throw open the gate. I start to run inside, but I'm met by a 8 year old glaring up at me with a nail gun in his grubby paws. I freeze dead in my tracks as he pulls the trigger. Searing pain in my left eyebrow and down I go. Everything is black.

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Is this how I got my scar? Stay tuned.

How I Got My Scar - Part B

So, as you remember from yesterday, I had just received a lobotomy because I was too smrt, but no scar yet. I've just been kicked to the curb with a lootsack full of $50,000 in quarters.

...and the story resumes...

At the end of our street there was this park with a pond in it. On the far side of the pond, there was some hedge shrubbery that had a secret clearing in the middle of it - the perfect place for me to hid my new-found wealth. It had rained recently, and the pond had overflowed its banks, so I wasn't able to go around the pond - I was going to have to cross it. Luckily, there was this cute little kid that was playing with a remote-controlled boat in the pond. I pushed him down and took it, and proceeded to cross.

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That's when it happened. I'm sure you can guess. Pirate attack.

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Cannon fire, muskets, swords - the works. After battling for over an hour, I was eventually taken captive. It was starting to look bleak. I was starting to get a little bit of a headache, and now there were pirates and they were stealing my booty!!!

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Next thing I know, they had the lootsack, and I was being made to walk the plank. I had a sword poking me in my back forcing me to step out further and further. There was all kinds of talk about Davy Jones' locker, and the crew was hurling insults at me, calling me a bilge-sucking landlubber and a filthy swab.

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Well, as I neared the end of the plank, I was starting to feel kinda frantic looking for a way out of this mess. Then it hit me! I knew a way out! It was all so simple - why hadn't I thought of it before? A knock-knock joke!!!

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So, as I'm perched - hanging ten off the end of the plank - I decide the perfect knock-knock joke to tell. I say, "Knock Knock", and immediately a hush comes over the crew. The cap'n with the sword on me slowly says, "Who's there?", so I think, "here's my chance". I say, "Interrupting Pirate". Just when he starts to say the next line, and I'm getting ready to whip around with the punch line, when my foot slips and down I go - slamming my head into the plank on my way into the briny deep.

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I'm surrounded by red water - I know my head is bleeding. I think I'm not going to make it. I think back to my summer love of 1990...then I remember, it's only 1988! I can sense that the pirate ship is moving away. Then I remember - This pond is only 4 feet deep! So I stand up and walk out. Turns out my head isn't bleeding after all - that was just two cherry pixi stix that I had in my pocket that were turning the water red.

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I reach land, $50,000 lighter, but happy to be alive and intact after such a close call. I can barely see the pirates now through the fog as a look back across the pond, and I start to wonder if it all really happened.

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Whew! That wore me out telling you that chapter of the story. Harrowing. Sorry, we're still not at the scar part yet. Maybe next time.

How I Got My Scar - Part 1

I have a scar on the back of my head that doesn't grow hair. Probably doesn't help that I wear my hair really short - it's pretty obvious. It's in the back of my head so I don't think about it much, but sometimes when I first get my hair cut, I wonder how bad it looks...

I have been surprised through the last 20 years that very few people ask me about it. Maybe they think it would be rude, or maybe they think I don't know it's back there...

Well for all you that always wanted to know the utterly fantastic story of how I got my scar, here goes. It is a pretty incredible and long story, so I'll have to break this up into a few different posts.

It all started back in, well, let's see, must have been, yes, it was, summer of '88. Dustin Hoffman was Rain Man and Michael Keaton was Beetlejuice. A new drug called 'crack' appeared in the U.S. and a postage stamp only cost 24 cents. Basically, the best of times and the worst of times.

I was just starting my Sophomore year at Permian High School - no Freshmen at PHS, so I was at the bottom of the totem pole. That previous sentence was immaterial to the story. So, at the beginning of the year, I took the SAT test. 4-6 weeks later, two representatives from the SAT board came to my house with a guy named Guido driving the car. I was out in front of the house shooting baskets, when they drove up, screeched to a halt, grabbed me, threw me in the back, and sped away into the West Texas evening.

They threw a bag over my head, and Guido kept driving. They tried to make me think that they were driving me real far away, but Guido wasn't very smart, and kept making left turns every 15 seconds, so I knew we were just going around the block ad infinitum. One of the SAT Board guys is threatening me that if I don't shut up and quit dribbling the basketball, he's going to hit me with a sockful of pennies - and the other guy keeps poking me with a stick.

So, the stick poker finally says, "Ok champ, now see here. You're going to get this operation, see, and you're going to keep your mouth shut about it, see, or I'm gonna do something worse than poke you with this stick, see."

So, then the other guy says, "Forgive my friend. We are prepared to offer you $50,000 to get this operation called a partial lobotomy. See the fact is, we can't let your brilliant mind exist because of how well you scored on our test. If we don't do something about your brain, we're going to have to re-write the test, and you have no idea how hard it is to come up with the wrong choices to put in that verbal section."

So, seeing how I was getting a bruise from the stick-poking, and I was worried about that sock full of pennies, not to mention I had a bag over my head, and for all I knew they might have had a bag of oranges in the car or something! - I agreed to this "lobotomy". How bad could it be, really? So Guido stops the car, cause we can't perform this operation taking all these left turns - that just wouldn't be safe. They take the bag off my head, and stick-poking-guy does a quick little something on my head with his Leatherman, rolls down the window and throws this little gray something out. No problem. Penny-sock guy gives me $50,000 (in quarters) in a drawstring bag, and pushes me out of the car door. Then, worst of all, he kicks my basketball after me - now, honestly, you can really mess up a basketball by kicking it...idiot.

Now, you'd think that would leave a scar on my head, wouldn't you? But no, that's not it. Actually, where stick-poking-guy cut me, the hair grows double-time! And no ill side-effects from the operation either. And no ill side-effects from the operation either.

Well, I'm out of time for today, maybe I'll get to the scar part tomorrow.

Top 10 Foreign Words and Phrases

You don't know what they mean, but you drop them anyway to make yourself sound smrt.

Here's the Top 10 Foreign Phrases that get used by English speakers:

#10 - bona fide (boh'na fide) - This one is Latin, and even though it really isn't that great, it makes the list just because it makes you laugh every time Holly Hunter says it in "O Brother, Where Art Thou". Oh yeah, it means, "authentic" or "genuine".

#9 - sotto voce (suh'tow voh'chee) - This one is Italian, and I learned it in college as a musical term, and loved it immediately. It means "in a soft voice", and I always liked the way it rolled off the tongue - seemed like an onomatopoeia to me, and you gotta love the onomatopoeia - cause it is the only word I can think of that has four vowels in a row...

#8 - quid pro quo (kwid' pro kwoh') - Back to Latin, and everyone knows who made this one famous and why it hit the mainstream back in '91....Dr. Hannibal Lecter. Thanks, Anthony Hopkins for making me forever get the shivers anytime I hear it. It means "an exchange of something for something". Tell me, Clarice...

#7 - faux pas (foh pah') - Now to French, one of my favorites because once I made a faux pas by pronouncing it "fowx pass"...just kidding.

#6 - verboten (fer-boh'ten) - I took German in high school for two years, so it's not unusual for me to drop a "verboten" instead of a "forbidden" - because it sounds cool, but mainly because after two years, that is the only word I remember. Those mojos don't learn anything.

#5 - ad nauseum (ad noz'ee-um) - Back to Latin, means "to the point of sickness". This one is used a lot by people, so might I recommend occassionally changing it up with, "ad absurdum". You get to decide if the degree is sickening, or if it is merely absurd.

#4 - mano a mano (mah'no ah mah'no) - I'll throw in a Spanish one for good measure. It means "face to face" or "in direct confrontation", which always confused me because when they use this term in bullfighting, you have the two rival bullfighters, but they aren't fighting each other, they are face to face with the bulls, fighting them...Bulls really get the short end of the stick in that sport...or at least the pointy end.

#3 - coup de grace (koo de grahss') - Back to French - love this one because my hero and yours, Bugs Bunny, would always pronounce it "coop dee gracie". Genius. Does it really matter what it means? (the death blow or finishing stroke).

#2 - angst (angkst) - Did you even know that this one is German? I didn't. I think my hungover German teacher might have missed that one. I use this one often as most people do when talking about the anxiety that teenagers have....about everything.

#1 - carte blanche (kart blonsh') - Awesome term. I use it often and you need to use it often too, so we can get it more into circulation. It's French, and it means "full power and authority at your discretion". Fit it into a sentence today.

Words that you need to learn before July (all French): "peloton", "domestique", and "maillot jaune"

...ok, that post was a lot better in my head than it was when I finished...sorry if you want the last 3 minutes of your life back...too bad, we don't always get what we want.

Put This in Your Platform and Smoke It

***All of the national security budget requests submitted as of September 2007 amount to $802.9 BILLION.

***This picture shows the Navy's DDG-1000 destroyer. Pricetag: $3.7 BILLION

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What would happen if...

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One of our presidential candidates introduced that part of his/her plans once in office was to cut the defense budget by 10% and use that 10% for aid to the impoverished of the world.

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-Would that capture the imagination of America?

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-What would that do to the way the rest of the world views and feels about America?

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-Would Americans be up in arms because "we won't be safe on a defense budget of $720 BILLION"?

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-Would Americans be up in arms because "that is my tax money, and people from another country are not my neighbor"?

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-Would Americans be up in arms because "that is my tax money, and the poor of America are not my neighbor"?

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-How much good - even "long-term" good - could $80 BILLION dollars do in this world?

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-Could America lead the way in countries being good neighbors to each other?

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-Would that presidential candidate get any votes?

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...just wondering...

"And Who Is My Neighbor?"

This is a little scattershooting as I ride in the car down I-30. And I have a collaborator on this post - my gorgeous wife with a bad cough, Stephanie (go check out her blog).

OK, in Luke 10, Jesus is talking about the Samaritan that helped the unfortunate that fell into the hands of robbers...but I have trouble sometimes remembering that some of these are my neighbors too:

*That guy that just cut me off in traffic.

*Those kids that keyed my car just because my car had a window sticker supporting their rival team.

*My next-door neighbor.

*People halfway around the world making the clothes I wear for ridiculously low wages.

*Terrorists that are plotting right now to harm innocents in my country.

*Future generations that will have to deal with the consequences of my actions.

*People that seek financial assisstance because they feel they are entitled to it, and then are rude or ungrateful to the hands that help them.

*People all over the world living in poverty.

*Drug dealers.

*People that are intentionally trying to subvert Christianity.

Who are some people that you have trouble remembering or thinking of as "my neighbor"?

Invisible People

No, not Claude Rains, Chevy Chase, or even Kevin Bacon. I'm talking about the people that WE 'make' invisible.

I was in Starbucks last Friday waiting in line behind two ladies who were talking to one another. The lady ordering was turned sideways talking to her friend as she completed her order and paid, etc. The guy at the cashier asked her if she wanted a receipt, and, without looking over at him, the lady just said, real loud, "Yes!", and kept talking to her friend. I can't really describe how condescending and demeaning this seemed to me. I just smiled over her shoulder at the guy and he just had this look on his face as if to say, "not the first, won't be the last." To this lady, he was definitely invisible...and not worth the effort to look at.

I felt really bad for the guy, and wondered how often I probably do the same thing. My eyes contantly wander anyway, and I really struggle with this because I know a lot of times I don't look at people in the eye when I'm talking to them. I'm trying to get better. I wonder how often I make people think that I don't consider them or what they are saying important because of my body / facial language.

Even worse, how often do I make people invisible either intentionally, or by lazyness on my part? I hope I don't do it intentionally - think so much of myself that I couldn't be troubled to smile at the waitress refilling my tea glass or the guy bagging my groceries. Are we the most guilty about doing this when it comes to people that have a job where they are serving us in some capacity?

Even more worser! Do we make people invisibile while at church? Our family? ouch.

Today, don't let anyone be invisible. Even if you know that you will never see that person again, even if they have nothing to offer you; look at them, speak to them, engage them in some way. There is no one that doesn't deserve this from you (me). It doesn't matter if they are serving you - wait, it does matter - even more reason to thank them and appreciate them. It doesn't matter if it is their job to serve you and they are getting paid - show appreciation - show that they matter - show humanity.

I hope this doesn't come across as too preachy - I'm really just talking to myself.

Which Pepper???

A couple of weeks ago, we ran out of pepper in our pepper shaker. Dad did a GREAT job refilling the pepper shaker only to realize after he was done, that he had just refilled the salt shaker. So now the pepper shaker was empty still, and the salt shaker had a nice little salt and pepper medley in it. And we were out of pepper in the house.

Tonight, the family was at the grocery store, and Mommy sent Caleb over to the next aisle to get some pepper since we were out. But when Caleb got over there, he wasn't sure what kind to get. So he got two options - he got a can of Kroger brand ground black pepper, and he got a can of:

Needless to say....Caleb had to go put that one back - seems Mommy just wanted plain black pepper. Caleb is so silly sometimes...

Darwin Fish

Here's some stuff I don't understand.....two responses to the Jesus fish decals that you see on the back of cars.

Ok, let's start with "Why do people put the Jesus fish decals on their cars to begin with? What's the motivation? I assume it is because they are proud to know our Lord and what he has done and is doing for us. I assume it is so that they can show others that their family follows God. I assume, that in a way, it might be a way of saying, "You can ask me about Jesus - I would like to share His story with you so that you can have a richer life by coming to know Him. etc. etc. I like the Jesus fish decals. I don't have one on either of my cars, but if I had one, I'd put it on. Ok, let's move on.

I'm sure you've seen this decal in response:

I've gotta say, I don't understand it at all. A decal of a Jesus fish is a declaration of your faith. A way of saying that you'd like to share your faith. A way of saying I'm in favor of promoting the Good News to those in the world that don't know it.

What exactly is the motivation of a Darwin fish??? What are you promoting? What faith are you proud of exactly? What meaningful message are you hoping to proclaim? Ok, you believe in evolution, Darwinism, whatever...is it your Faith?? Do you want to share this Faith with others so that they live a better life? I really don't get it - I can only assume you mean it in the most antagonistic way. Are you threatened by so many cars out there with Jesus fishes on them that you feel that you must combat it? I'm really at a loss. I guess I'm offended...frankly, I'm more offended when I see this than when I see a bumper sticker that says "$#!^ Happens" on it. I don't understand why, even if you believe in Darwinism, you feel the need to attack Christianity by poking fun in this way. But that is America for you - politically incorrect to make fun of any group out there - except Christians.

Ok, I know I'm rambling - but my last point about the Darwin fish poking fun of the Jesus fish brings me to my next point. I'm sure you've also seen this one too:

Is this the appropriate Christian response? Man, I think we miss the boat SO often on how we respond to the world - Individually and the Christian community as a whole. Ok, you don't like the Darwin fish...you don't like the fact that they have taken this Christian symbol that means something to people and made fun of it in this way. I understand (see above, I don't like it either). But...what is the motivation here? Is this going to bring people to Christ? Is this going to change that guy's mind that has a Darwin fish on the back of his truck? When he sees this, he's going to say, "Oh wait...Colossians 1:16-17 says that....oh man, I need to change my Darwin fish cause the Bible says that God created all things!" My point is that truck guy already knows that the Bible says that God created it. Is this a way to reach him? Is this what we want Christians to look like? "I know you are but what am I"??? Didn't we just lower ourselves to their level by doing this? I will admit that the first time I saw this several years ago, I thought it was clever. But why are Christians so hung up on "we're right, you're wrong - let me show how I'm right and you're wrong and of course you'll see it my way - and by the way I'm going to be real arrogant about it. And I have license to be arrogant about it because God and the Bible are on my side." Is this the appropriate response? Is the way we respond to the world the reason that the Christian community has so many negative stereotypes?

Maybe my soapbox ramblings here aren't an appropriate response either. I'll think about that. I have an idea of maybe a response - how about a bumper sticker that says, "Hey Darwin fish guy: God still loves you and wants you to know Him."

The Long-Awaited Snack Ranking

Everyone has been clamoring for the snack ranking....here it is. Top Five and Bottom Five snacks, with documented and proven support. I would say that the list may be controversial, but the fact is, it's not. It is universally agreed upon. Don't show your ignorance by disagreeing with it.

5th Worst: Beef Jerky -- Any kind of jerky for that matter. OK, it is a proven fact that everyone likes the taste - even those that refuse to admit it. But the bottom line is, it is expensive and it's embarassing to say that you are eating something called "jerky". Are you trying to make people think you're a hillbilly or something???

4th Worst: Cookies -- Small and full of calories. The limited amount of time that you have it in your mouth and experience the good taste is not worth that calorie and fat intake. Plus cookies are sweet, and everyone knows that snacks are, as God intended them, salty, not sweet.

3rd Worst: Onion Rings -- Absolutely no nutritional value. You even lose whatever nutrition an onion naturally has when you decide to deep fry it like that. They only taste marginally good, and that taste can never offset the fact that you can't be around people for the rest of the day. Might as well rub Funyuns under your arm every morning instead of deodorant.

2nd Worst: Sunflower seeds -- The food equivalent of dipping. No one wants to see you spit stuff out regularly like that. Then one doesn't clear the lips and it is hanging off or stuck in your beard, on your shoe, on the person you're talking to, you put your hand in it, the list goes on. Not to mention how much food you're actually getting...it's like eating rice one grain at a time every minute. Forget it.

WORST: Celery -- Are you kidding me? It is water wrapped around a vile weed. Don't tell me that it is good with peanut butter, cream cheese, pimento spread, etc. Look at that thing. Might as well just go sidle up next to a cow and start grazing in some Arizona pasture.

5th Best: Sherbet (ok, ice cream too) -- I know I ticked some people off with that cookie comment, so if you must have a snack that is sweet, then you need to go with sherbet or ice cream. Sherbet is the obvious preference because it is nonfat and tastes much better. By the way if you cookie-up your ice cream, your body systems get very confused and you could experience the sweet sweats.

4th Best: Crackers -- Whoever thought of the cracker was genius. Great for a vehicle for other foods, or just by themselves. One caveat: stay away from any crackers that appear overly oily on the outside. If you need more flavor in your cracker, go multi-grain or whole grain or something. Good call.

3rd Best: Popcorn -- Light, fluffy, good for you as long as you don't trick it up too much. Hard to go wrong with popcorn. And the reason it is so high on the list is because you basically have to explode it to prepare it....very cool.

2nd Best: Chips and Salsa (or Queso) -- OK, this encompasses several options and variations on a theme. We all know that there are different levels of chip (Pringles are on a much more transcendent plane that say a SunChip or a Combo), but for this discussion, all chips are lumped together with or without a dip or condiment. Salsa is good for you, nonfat, tomatoes help you fight free radicals, etc. It's awesome. (Remember, salsa is the #2 condiment also.) There are also many different interpretations of queso - the key is that it includes cheese. Duh.

BEST: Hot Dogs -- Some people would argue that hot dogs aren't a snack, that a hot dog constitutes a meal. Absurd. I tend to agree that it is a matter of degree, but the only thing one hot dog does in terms of fulfilling the requirement of a meal is that it makes you want to eat more hot dogs. One hot dog = snack. Two hot dogs = snack. Three hot dogs = snack. Four hot dogs are where you finally start getting to the realm of a meal. Don't try and tell me that eating one hot dog is like eating one hamburger, it just ain't so. Hot dogs are best when they are sausage dogs on wheat buns, and contain the #1 condiment, brown mustard. It is well documented that eating hot dogs make you more cool, improve your vision, and enhance your mental ability to understand complex concepts.

Thank you for agreeing. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get back to weighty matters such as these.

Community -- Welcoming the Stranger (Part 4 of 4)

Who should we practice community with? Strangers are often the last people we practice community with. We have nothing in common, so it takes EFFORT. Some people just have nothing to offer back to us....so welcoming those "strangers" is "boot camp" - it makes welcoming non-strangers EASY.

Who are "strangers"? Strangers are basically anyone who has experienced a different sort of past - they have different buzzwords, different heroes... Strangers are anyone that when you see them, the little "ping" goes off in your head that says, "Different! Different! Step back!". Today's strangers might include someone from outside the common economic class, people of a different age, different capabilities, or from a different place.

In Deuteronomy 10:19 we see that Israelites were told to "love those who are aliens, for you yourselves were aliens in Egypt". So welcoming the stranger was already expected of the Jews, but then Jesus took it a step further when he taught to go an extra mile with a Roman soldier...a ROMAN SOLDIER!?! Are you kidding me? Could there have been any more uncomfortable stranger for a Jew in Jesus's day?

Jesus' behavior toward those that were excluded was pretty extraordinary. Take a look at Matthew 25:31-40, where Jesus teaches about the sheep and the goats. "Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?' The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."

To strangers, it is wonderful that we can offer a sense of Home as God offers it to us. John 14:23 says, "Jesus replied, 'If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him."

Community -- Gritty (Part 3 of 4)

While there may be moments of warm feelings when living in Christian community, often it is about loving folks that you would just prefer to ignore. It's about including people that you may think the church doesn't (seem to) need, or even maybe those disgruntled people that you secretly think the church would be better off without.

Look at this list of what a special friendship might be like compared to Christian community:

• in friendship, you have few differences and many similarities - in community, you may have many differences with a person.


• in friendship, you love to do the same activities - in community, you may have no interests in common.


• in friendship, you agree on almost everything - in community, you disagree but still listen to each other.


• in friendship, you say what the other needs to hear - in community, you are committed to praying for each other.


• in friendship, you give each other special gifts - in community, side by side with others, you give gifts of service.


• in friendship, you get upset with each other but work it out - in community, you get upset, walk away, process it with God and consider how God is using that person in your life.


• in friendship, you are astounded at what good friends you are - in community, you're astounded at how God uses such ordinary relationships in your life.
  

Consider 1 Corinthians 12:12-27 as Paul speaks to members of the Church as parts of the body, each having a role to play, each important. Think about how difficult it would be if you were suddenly injured, for the rest of your body to show no reaction at all to the injury. It seems to me that these are acts of submission to suffer with others - and rejoice with those that are honored. Consider what attitudes of love are vital to express if community is to flourish when we discuss differences with each other. Do you think it is an accident that the great "Love Chapter" follows Paul's discussion of one body with many parts? "...and now I will show you the most excellent way..."

Community -- Intentional (Part 2 of 4)

Living in Chrisitan community is an intentional endeavor. Look at most of the "communities" that you belong to - they are mostly similar people. Then look at the diversity of the apostles of Jesus - ranging from Simon the Zealot to Matthew, a tax collector for the Romans! This diversity tells us that community is not about like-thinkers just patting each other on the back. One of the best ways to learn to truly love others and let God change OUR character is to work side by side with someone that you feel "just needs to grow up!"

Consider Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane - Matthew 26:36-45. Jesus brought three of his apostles to the garden who had just made arrogant statements at dinner. But rather than push these guys away, he pulls them close - to witness his prayer. Even in disagreement, he draws them into an intimate setting to watch his struggle.

Do you think sometimes we, as the church, have mistaken ideas about what community involves? Do we think that church people should all be best buddies? Do we think that church people should agree on most issues? Do we think that church people should have interests in common?